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I had forgotten, but was recently reminded, that I had spent some of 2014 and 2015 writing little satirical one-liners  a few times a week for a local radio personality. I would scan the day’s newspapers and websites in the morning, pick out the most absurd articles, and then affix a humorous comment for broadcast in the afternoon. It was a lot of fun to do. Four years later, I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them.

Yes, it’s almost like comedy!

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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

“Oil giant Royal Dutch Shell indicated its continued desire to drill in the Arctic waters off the coast of Alaska by submitting new plans for exploratory operations to federal agencies. Despite previously failed attempts to perform such drilling the company appears committed to pushing forward.”

Comment: A spokesman  for Royal Dutch Shell assured protestors that he promised to put it only part of the way in. 

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If-it-ain’t-one-thing-it’s-another Dept:

“A nightmarish cannabilistic cricket from Asia is apparently invading homes throughout the Eastern United States. The greenhouse camel cricket, which is known for its voracious — and sometimes cannibalistic — appetite, has been in the US for decades; however, the insect was believed to be quite rare outside of commercial greenhouses. Until now, that is.”

Comment: But the worst thing about it is the constant buzz  of “Let your conscience be your guide.” (okay, obscure Jiminy Cricket reference, but I maintain there’s a joke in there somewhere, by God!)

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See,-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

“Researchers from the University of New South Wales  in Sydney, Australia, estimate that there are at least five huge garbage patches polluting the world’s oceans, some as big as the state of Texas.”

Comment: On closer inspection, scientists have concluded that one of the garbage patches actually is Texas.

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Macho,-Macho,-Man Dept:

“Biden vows retribution against ISIS: ‘We will follow them to the Gates of Hell!’  Staking out a hard line against the vicious jihadist group ISIS, Vice President Biden vowed Wednesday that the U.S. “will follow them to the Gates of Hell!” “

Comment: A Biden spokesman clarified that in the event of a busy schedule, the Vice President would at least follow ISIS to that lousy Middle Eastern restaurant on Route 95.

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The Museum of Lame Excuses Dept.

“The city has dispensed a sweet settlement to three Brooklyn men who sued the NYPD after cops bizarrely mistook Jolly Rancher candies for crystal meth, the Daily News has learned. Despite the $33,000 settlement, the city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn’t be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy.”

Comment: And in other news, the NYPD is still determining whether a confiscated jump rope is really a 13-foot man-eating Zorch Snake from the Planet Aroos.

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What-Could-Possibly-Go-Wrong?  Dept.

“The police department for San Diego’s public schools recently revealed that they have acquired a large armored combat vehicle from the U.S. military which is designed to withstand blasts from improvised explosive devices and mines.”

Comment: Unnamed sources say a record amount of homework was turned in the next day.