My friend Alan who is a prolific playwright asked me if I’d like to write a very short three-minute curtain raiser for his new play reading. I said yes, having no idea at all what I would write. As it happened, the Parkland school shootings and the government response were still on my mind, so out came this merry little sketch.

 

Gun Shy

 

Mother in the breakfast room; two children ages seven and eight (should be played by adults) offstage.

Mother: Justin, c’mon you’re going to be late to school.

Justin: (off) I’m coming.

Mother: You, too, Mercy, the school bus is going to be here any moment.

Mercy: (off) I’m coming. Give me a chance. (Justin enters with backpack on hand)

Mother: Look at you. Your hair’s a mess. And what about your sweater?

Justin: Yes, Mom. I have it.

Mother: And did you remember about your homework?

Justin: Really, Mom, you don’t have to remind us about every little thing. (Mercy comes down with her backpack in hand)

Mother: Can’t you get yourself together a little earlier so you don’t have to rush each morning?

Mercy: I’m sorry I was just packing up my backpack. We have a lot of equipment for our new class. And it’s so lame, they make us drag everything back and forth.

Mother: What class is that?

Mercy: Oh, the target class.

Mother: Target class?

Justin: It’s a new required class we have to take in school. We have to be able to kill 65% of potential intruders in order to pass the class, graduate, and go on to middle school.

Mother: How do they know if you’ve done that?

Justin: Well, a wound in one limb counts as a score of 30%, an eye counts for a score of 25%, for a kill you obviously get a 100.

Mercy: Well, unless someone else hits the guy first, in which case you only get 50% for an assist. It’s so unfair. So the thing to do is, if you can’t get a clean kill, try to mix and match so that it adds up to over 65%.

Justin: So two eyes and you pass.

Mercy: No you idiot, that doesn’t add up. That’s only 50—25 and 25.

Justin: I’m not good in math. It’s not my fault. My math teacher only has one eye. She was mistaken for an intruder.

Mother: Well all right, put on your backpacks. Wait a second. What’s that you got in there?

Mercy: Just a gun.

Mother: Oh. Okay. And what’s that?

Mercy: That’s another gun. Hi-powered, semi-automatic.

Mother: All right. (to Justin) You’re looking very guilty young man. And what’s that ?

Justin (ashamed looking down at the floor) Gum.

Mother: Gum? Gun or Gum?

Justin: Uh, Gum.

Mother: Oh my gosh. What is wrong with you? Hand that over young man. You should know by now you’re not allowed to chew gum in school. It’s not allowed. It’s really disrespectful to the teachers and staff. Didn’t I bring you up right?

Justin: I’m sorry. I just couldn’t…

Mercy: Ooh I’m telling.

Justin: Be quiet, you.

Mother: I am really, really so disappointed in you, Justin. Wrigley’s Spearmint. The most deadly flavor. In my day, you know what we did with students who brought gum to school? (pause) We shot them. Of course we were only allowed to graze them in my days. Old-fashioned I suppose, but the world has moved on. I guess you can’t stop progress. I don’t know what we’re going to do with you, Justin.

Mercy: (reluctantly) Ohhh…I guess you can have one of mine. But not the AR-15. Just one of the handguns.

Mother: That’s really kind and unselfish of you, Mercy. Maybe I did bring you kids up right after all. (Sound of bus horn honking) Okay here’s the bus. (kids run off) Don’t forget your lunches. Love ya. And children—No chewing in class! Knock ‘em dead!