I Read The News Today, Oh Boy


Photo by SplitShire on Pexels.com


And here’s yet one more installment of the humorous news commentary that I wrote  a few times a week in 2014/15 for a local radio personality.  I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them, because remember:

Fame is fleeting, but Bad Jokes are on the Internet forever.


Power-To-The-People Dept.:

A U.S. federal judge on Monday temporarily blocked President Barack Obama’s plan to protect millions of undocumented immigrants from deportation. Some 26 states, led by Texas, sued the administration to halt the programs, arguing that Obama’s orders violated constitutional limits on his powers.

Comment: Because the President only has the right to secretly bomb the crap out of foreigners, not to give them asylum.


See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept.:

Hoping to better understand the health effects of oil fracking, the state in 2013 ordered oil companies to test the chemical-laden waste water extracted from wells. Data culled from the first year of those tests found significant concentrations of the human carcinogen benzene, in some cases, levels of benzene thousands of times greater than state and federal agencies consider safe.

Comment: I’ll have my Vodka-benzene martini shaken, not stirred.


I-Can’t-Remember-To-Forget-You Dept.:

Among the items discovered by Neil Armstrong’s widow, Carol, while cleaning out their suburban Cincinnati home was a bag containing long-lost Apollo 11 artifacts. Neil never told anyone on earth about the items and no one knew about the existence of the items during the 45 years since he returned from the Moon.

Comment: Armstrong’s widow declared, “Hey, that’s what happened to all my Helen Reddy, Strawberry Alarm Clock, and Peter Lemongello record LPs!”


Five’ll -Get-You-Ten Dept.:

The national debate over so-called ‘education reform’ has come into sharp relief in Philadelphia, where a pro-charter organization has offered the cash-strapped city school district up to $35 million to enroll an additional 15,000 students in new charter schools; but the Philadelphia School District says it would cost as much as $500 million to enroll the new students in new charter schools—about 20 times more than the amount offered by the non-profit.

Comment: It’s the new math: we give you a few dollars with one hand, then take your shirt and pants with the other.


Do-Not-Adjust-Your-TV-Screen Dept.:

Bacteria that haven’t evolved for more than 2 billion years have been discovered in the ocean floor sediments off Western Australia.

Comment: The bacteria were caught watching Milton Berle re-runs and explaining to their offspring that color TV has not yet been perfected.


Don’t-Let-Science-Stop-You Dept.:

Pennsylvania groundhog ‘forecasts’ 6 more weeks of winter

The handlers of Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, said the furry rodent has forecast six more weeks of winter.

Americans Dismiss Climate Change And Reject Theory Of Evolution In New Survey

A new survey in the U.S. has revealed that huge numbers of Americans reject the theory of evolution and don’t believe that human activity is in any way responsible for climate change.

Comment: They do believe, however, that the weather can be predicted by a groundhog.


Say-It-Ain’t-So-Ed Dept.:

Snowden files show that Canada’s electronic spy agency has been intercepting and analyzing data on up to 15 million file downloads daily as part of a global surveillance program.

Comment: In related news, thousands of Canadian intelligence agents reportedly quit, saying they couldn’t stand snooping on one more freakin’  phone conversation about hockey and Celine Dion.


Seeds-Of-Faith Dept.:

Pope Francis will  push for climate change policies, in a year when global warming is shaping up to be a central issue both for the Vatican and Washington. He’ll  push United Nations leaders to  write an international agreement to reduce emissions and help poorer countries adapt.

Comment:  His Holiness will recommend green farming methods such as compost heaps and home-made fertilizers. However, he warned, Catholics may only use the fertilizers the three days a month when there is no danger of conception.


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