This Just In



And yet another installment of satirical commentary vignettes I had written for a local radio personality back in 2014-15. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Some of the jokes are dated, but some unfortunately still make too much sense.


What-Are-They-On-Crack? Dept:

The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has established a research and essay competition in honor of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah Bin Abdul-Aziz. Army General Martin E. Dempsey said the essay competition is a fitting tribute to the life and leadership of the Saudi Arabian monarch.

Comment: It’s the shared values: torture, the death penalty, elites beyond the rule of law, and the worship of oil.


Faster-Than-A-Speeding-Bullet Dept.

Days After Government Approved Free Speech Rally, France Arrests 54 People for Offensive Speech

Comment: In related news, scientists have defined a new unit of time called “the hypoc-ri-second”: it is the amount of time elapsed before government officials make complete hypocritical asses of themselves. Scientists say it is the smallest unit of time known to humankind.


Happy Hanukkah

At sundown Dec. 16 this year, Jews usher in the Festival of Lights.

Comment: Or as Jews call it, the holiday where you have to decide if eight days of small presents are as good as one day of big presents.


Don’t-Worry-Be-Happy Dept:

Dr. Margaret Chan criticized drugs companies for turning their backs on markets that cannot pay for super-expensive drugs. She said a vaccine to protect millions from the Ebola virus does not exist, only because the disease previously only affected poor African nations.

Comment:  The drug companies responded that their previous actions had been misinterpreted, and that henceforth they looked forward to seeing many more epidemics in Africa.


Great-Moments-In-Mathematics Dept::

According to  Senator wannabee Scott Brown, Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) has voted with Obama “over 100 percent of the time.”

Comment: We’ve checked the authenticity of this story and we are 500% sure it’s true


Upset-Stomach Dept:

President Barack Obama met with over a dozen prominent columnists and magazine writers Wednesday afternoon before calling for an escalation of the war against ISIS that same night. The group included New York Times columnists David Brooks, Tom Friedman and Frank Bruni.

Comment: Never has such a powerhouse of idiots been seen in one room since the time Bill O’Reilly dined alone. 


Reasonable-Conspiracy-Theories Dept:

Smooth jazz star Kenny G just paid a surprise visit to support Hong Kong’s pro-democracy protests.

Comment: Hong Kong Communist Party officials deny it was part of a plot to clear the area of protestors.



2 thoughts on “This Just In

  1. Thanks. I generally submitted about three a day, and the host chose one or two from them if she had time. It was a fun thing to do the first thing in the morning–scour the headlines, then write the commentary.

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