(The latest pandemic has caused an outbreak of poetical inspiration in me.)
There’s nothing to fret about, see?
Even though treatment won’t be for free
Now ladies and gents,
I give you Mike Pence
Whoops, we just lost our latest VP
Corona is better as beer,
There’s nothing from that I would fear.
A bottle or two–
We laid up a few–
Will brighten the rest of the year
The Plague isn’t new in the mix
In London in Sixteen-Oh-Six,
They shuttered the plays
For hundreds of days
For Lear and for Hamlet, no tix!
Please pardon the lace and damask
And the heavy gauge armor–don’t ask
The pads and the plugs
Are all for the bugs
And excuse, please, the Donald Trump mask
“I’m the only one on the stage who…” — Wednesday, 2/19, Joe Biden, Michael Bloomberg, Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobachar, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren
(With a tip of the hat to masercot)
“I’m the only one on the stage who has mudwrestled with a ferret.”
“I’m the only on the stage who has chopped down all the trees west of the Mississippi with Babe, The Giant Blue Ox.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who doesn’t give a crap that I took three tabs of LSD ten minutes ago.”
“I’m the only on the stage who speaks nightly with Elvis.”
“What are you talking about?! I’m the guy who passed the Silly Walks Amendment.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who played Mah Jong with Barack Obama.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who isn’t on the stage.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who is wearing three jock straps.”
“I’m the only on the stage who’s wearing two clown shoes—on each foot.”
“A little girl in 1850 jumped on a train, took dead aim, and shot Jesse James. That little girl was me.”
“I’m the only one on the stage with an outty belly button.”
“I’m the only one on the stage with a dead body in my refrigerator.”
“I’m the only one on the stage lip -synching the whole debate.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s a graduate of the DeVry Institute.”
“I’m the only one on the stage, Chuck, who has undergone nasal irrigation.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s playing a kazoo.”
“I’m the only one on the stage with a banana in my ear.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who is wearing a mustache made of yak hair.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s speaking in Klingon.”
“Socks keep falling down whenever you limbo? I’ve got a plan for that.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s a Siamese twin.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s having open heart surgery performed on me as we speak.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who can open a bottle of Perrier with my teeth.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who can beat Donald Trump at Chinese Checkers.”
“A little girl in the year 2050, donned her jet pack and flew to the moon. That little girl was me.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who is hopping on a pogo stick.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who’s done the hokey-pokey with Martin Luther King.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who sleeps in jammies with built-in feet.”
“I’m the only one on the stage who has Borscht dribbling down his chest.”
“Let me be perfectly clear: no one should have to choose between slaughtering a porcupine and caressing a weasel.”
I once heard someone describe Shakespeare’s lead actor, Richard Burbage, as the powerful impetus for Will’s complex characters. “Okay, Richard, you think you did well acting the jealous Moorish general, and the evil humpbacked King, and the young moon-y swashbuckler Prince? Well how about a senile old King who goes insane in the middle of a thunderstorm? Take that!”
While not Shakespeare, I think the very funny Jim Gaffigan must constantly challenge himself to come up with comedy about the most unlikely comedic subjects: horses, brain surgery, hiking, glasses. In this clip, he talks about… his colonoscopy. No, it’s hilarious.
Thanks to YouTuber Comedy Central Stand-Up
“Pencils come from Pennsylvania…”
Blossom Dearie states some State facts that won’t get you on Jeopardy. From the song, “Rhode Island Is Famous For You.”
The clever lyrics are by Howard Dietz who also wrote “That’s Entertainment.”
Thanks to YouTuber 65yb74
With Joe Kirk as Mr. Bacciagalupe. Here’s are some fun facts: According to ever-reliable Wikipedia, Kirk’s original name was Ignazio “Nat” Curcuruto, his family was from Sicily, and… he was married to Lou Costello’s sister Marie.
Thanks to YouTuber Kovacs Corner
Twas the end of the year, and I noticed the clock,
The months had passed by, it was time to take stock
Of our magical friends and the pleasures they’d brought
A harkening back to some memories, I thought.
In my mind there’s a party of magical folk
Right here on my doorstep, but as I awoke
The doorbell was chiming, is this just a dream?
In front of my house, a whole magic team:
Chief Geniis are here, both Richard and Liz
The number one names of the magic news biz.
Hi Dustin, Hi Chloe, they seemed to prefer
No small talk, but writing up ten thousand words
The party began, with effortless ease,
The boundless good will of Juan Tamariz.
And here’s another great Spaniard, ah please!
Not Buddha, but better, Dani DaOrtiz
In walked juggler Penn, with his close partner Teller
Assuring us all, Ray’s back was much well-er
Harrison Greenbaum and Max Maven, too
Came with menorahs, ‘cause they both are Jews.
Next was a couple with talent and looks:
Dorothy Dietrich and partner Dick Brookz.
The next four, indeed, were also a thrill,
Regal and Mancha and Vincent and Spill.
The company’s magic just couldn’t be grander
Without the flotations of Mr. Losander
And candy and ice cream—you wouldn’t believe!
Came tumbling out of dear Rocco’s big sleeve.
Lucy Darling, (Carisa is really her name)
Hilarious magic, she plays a tough dame.
And who says a lawyer can’t be a charmer?
Her fellow Canadian, “Bammo” Bob Farmer.
The English chap Hollingsworth, in tails and in tie,
Did some cool sleight of hand, he’s a heck of a Guy.
Mark Lewis walked by, with some jokes and some jollies
Then immediately sold me a deck of Svengalis.
Pop Haydn, Todd Robbins, they put the log on,
And threw us some hype, ye masters of con.
Then cards flew about and changed at his whim:
The marvelous fingers of Master Shin Lim.
What’s this that we see upon the white drapes?
A bear and a dragon and other strange shapes.
The shadows appeared midst the bottles and cans
Sigh of relief—‘twas Raymond Crowe’s hands.
The bubbly’s flowing it’s time to converse
While Jerry Deutsch shows us some magic perverse.
And here comes Greg Chapman, fresh off of Four F;
Masks off to McBride, you know him as Jeff.
The blowout was awesome, the guests all a treat
To see all those folks on my little street!
Pit Hartling, Yann Frisch, and cool David Blaine,
The greatest legends of legerdemain.
And you were there, too, I remember it well,
Your name is too secret for us to re-tell
You showed us a trick in the house where I dwell
It was there that we all fell beneath your deep spell.
But all of a sudden, without a portent
The house was devoid of a lady or gent.
My head got too dizzy, was feeling all weird
For poof, gone and vanished; it all disappeared!
My eyes they were hurting, both bleary and groggy
I lurched around drunk, too high and egg-noggy.
I shook off the feeling, I got myself sober
But one thing was clear, it now all was over.
The people were gone, the food and the drink
The fantasy popped, but you know what I think?
Don’t look at me strangely, don’t think me insane
While the dream is a whisper, the magic remains.
And so as you enter the coming New Year
Be kind to your neighbors and wish them good cheer
For more than our cards, either red-backed or blue
The magic is in what we say and we do.
This story was brief, but I had a ball.
Happy holidays, my friends, and Peace to you all!