Save The Rich!

As Congress argues about whether, Please Sir, May We Have More Gruel? let’s not forget about who is really important here.

Riki “Garfunkel” Lindhome and Kate “Oates” Micucci in a  dead-on satire of “We Are The World” type celebrity videos.

Warning: Language Not Suitable For Work.

More At: Garfunkel And Oates

 

 

The Fire This Time

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The delightful Mary Murphy as interviewer Merri Boast grills The Devil, played by me, in our original  “Sympathy For The Devil” radio satire, broadcast today on the Arts Express radio program over WBAI 99.5FM, WBAI.org ,and Pacifica affiliates across the nation.

Click on the triangle or the mp3 file link above to listen.

Sympathy For The Devil

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Merri: “The Good die young, But evil is forever.” –John Donne. Hello this is Stale Air, and I’m Merri Boast. Today I’m interviewing our special guest, in this time of coronavirus, an expert in all things diseased and evil, The Devil. Welcome to Stale Air.

Devil: Hi, thank you Merri. Love listening to your show. Big fan of the station. Learned the name of so many different kinds of cheeses from it. And I just never get tired of those Car Talk reruns.

M: Thank you, but before we begin, how are you doing? Is the shelter in place affecting you?

D: Oh, thanks for asking, Merri. It’s tough being confined to the nether realms, 24/7, but I think we’re making do. Can’t complain. Keeping warm. Super busy. I’m very proud of this coronavirus project we’ve been working on. If you don’t mind me tooting my own horn, I think it’s one of the best things we’ve come up with in a long time. People understand now that the world is no longer in a state of limbo, but actually it’s Permanent Hell. And down here we’re pleased as punch to parade our brand–so to speak–parade our brand in front of the population as much as we can. And Oh and speaking of Hell—I want to thank Jeff Bezos , a real buddy, at Amazon for continuing to crack the whip.

M: Good to hear that you are doing well. I’m—I’m not quite sure how to address you. Is Prince of Darkness or Mephistopheles all right?

D: Well, we don’t like to use those names anymore, Merri. They’re kind of stuffy and old-school, and frankly just a wee bit pejorative. Prince of Darkness, really? To tell you the truth, Merri, I prefer Beel-ze-bub. Or for short, just plain Bill is fine. That’s a good Christian name…if you’ll pardon the expression.

M: Bill it is, then. Bill , we all recognize that this has been an unprecedented time—

D: –Thank you–

M: and most of us are wondering if the rest of us are going to make it through this coronavirus epidemic. Do you have any insight into this?

D: Well that’s a great question, Merri. It’s not as simple as it might first appear. Now some may say, what’s the problem, just spread the virus and kill as many people as you can. Clear win for our side. But actually I feel that’s short-sighted. It’s totally forgetting one of the tenets of our side, which is to maximize the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for the greatest length of time. I’ve brought along a little graph here, cooked up by our art department—thank you Jared and Ivanka—and you’d see on the graph, if my ZOOM connection were better, how the line spikes upwardly very quickly over just a few days. Seems like a clear touchdown, but really, just about anyone can do that. I mean, any of your minor demons could probably have accomplished that. It’s not rocket science. We felt though, that we wanted to go the extra mile to extend the weeping and wailing and particularly the gnashing of teeth as much as possible. And that’s where really we needed to call in our staff, our entire team.

M: So you don’t work alone?

D: Oh, good Lord, no. There’s just too much to be done. I’m basically a hands on guy, and while I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty, I can’t do it all alone. I can’t be everywhere at once. I’m not a miracle worker. It takes a village.

M: I’m wondering, where do you find your staff? Aren’t people horrified when you call on them?

D: Oh no, not at all. We offer a very nice benefits package, 12 vacation days a year, 401K. Cafeteria with a hot foods buffet. Healthcare plan if you choose to buy into it. So we’re very competitive with most non-European enterprises. It’s true, though, that there have been some periods in history, I’ll admit, where it was hard to find people willing to come over to the Dark Side. It was touch and go there for a while during the Garden of Eden thing—and I want to give a shout out to The Snake: Thank you Snake, never gets old. Big Hugs. Now the 60s were tough, finding assistants to insert ourselves into the whole peace, love and anti-war movement was challenging, but we managed, and of course the whole post 9/11 era. Actually, I have to give you guys credit. We borrowed the embedded propaganda approach from you. So well done. And the mass illegal warrantless wiretaps?—really a stroke of genius on the part of your government. We couldn’t have come up with that one ourselves. It’s great to see stuff like that crowd-sourced.

M: This is Merri Boast for Stale Air and I’m talking with Beel-Zee-Bub, Master of Chaos. We’re discussing his plans to cause the maximum of pain and suffering for the greatest length of time. Bill, I was wondering if there was anything in your childhood that might have influenced your present life’s work? Were you an odd child?

D: Ha. Well Merri, that’s funny you should ask that. I was talking with some friends about that the other day, and they were making fun of me because as a child, believe it or not, I didn’t lie. I mean I just could not lie. Every time I thought about lying, I would just get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and I would just clam up.

M: Well you certainly seemed to have gotten over that.

D: Thanks, Merri. I say immodestly perhaps, we feel we’ve come a long way. Interning for Mark Zuckerberg did wonders for us. And I want to acknowledge, too, the great work you folks at your station have been doing. We’re just so darn proud of the lies your station has spread. The whole lead up to the Iraq war, the consistent demonizing of the Venezuelan socialists, and the ongoing excuses for the worst depredations of capitalism, all coated with a veneer of hip humanity, really brings joy to my heart. It makes me feel appreciated, and like our work has not been in vain. So kudos to you.

M: Thank you. I’d like, if you don’t mind, to get back to this coronavirus situation. You spoke about maximizing the pain and suffering. Could you tell us a little more about that?

D: Sure. Our team felt that we didn’t want it over in a day or two. So we tossed around the fireball a bit to brainstorm how we could draw this thing out. And I don’t remember who it was, but one of the team members—might have been Mnuchin or Miller, I forget right now—suggested that we have an out. In other words, don’t let people die right away, but hold out the possibility of some hope to extend the timeline.

M: And that’s where you got the idea of social distancing.

D: Exactly, Merri. It is a genius plan, but you see there’s the danger you can go too much the other way, too.

M: Meaning what exactly?

D: Well, meaning our plan to offer up hope might work out too well. What if social distancing actually worked and the virus was completely wiped out?

M: That wouldn’t fit into your plans would it?

D: It certainly wouldn’t, Merri. So we had to figure out a way to provide mitigating circumstances and yet make sure they were not too mitigating.

M: And that’s where the President came in.

D: Yes thank God for him. He really did such yeoman work in sending out mixed messages as to whether social distancing really worked. He made sure that some of the population would quarantine and some wouldn’t. Really perfect to extend things. Oh, and the masks! I don’t mind telling you I LOL’d when I heard him say that he personally would not be wearing a mask. Genius. Keep the people in a state of total confusion as to what works and what doesn’t, and this thing can extend out to the Second Coming.

M: The Second Coming?

D: Slouching towards Bethlehem, Baby, Slouching towards Bethlehem.

M: Thank you, Bill.

D: Thank you, Merri. I’ll be seeing you real soon, okay?

M: I’ve been speaking with Beel-ze-bub, co creator of the coronavirus, The Macarena, and The Ellen Show. Next week we’ll be talking with Vice President Joe Biden about his no-malarkey recipes for grilled cheese. This is Merry Boast …for Stale Air.

(And in a bit, I’ll have the Arts Express audio production posted.)

The Great Debate

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“I’m the only one on the stage who…” — Wednesday, 2/19, Joe Biden, Michael Bloomberg, Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobachar, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren
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(With a tip of the hat to masercot)

“I’m the only one on the stage who has mudwrestled with a ferret.”

“I’m the only on the stage who has chopped down all the trees west of the Mississippi with Babe, The Giant Blue Ox.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who doesn’t give a crap that I took three tabs of LSD ten minutes ago.”

“I’m the only on the stage who speaks nightly with Elvis.”

“What are you talking about?! I’m the guy who passed the Silly Walks Amendment.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who played Mah Jong with Barack Obama.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who isn’t on the stage.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who is wearing three jock straps.”

“I’m the only on the stage who’s wearing two clown shoes—on each foot.”

“A little girl in 1850 jumped on a train, took dead aim, and shot Jesse James. That little girl was me.”

“I’m the only one on the stage with an outty belly button.”

“I’m the only one on the stage with a dead body in my refrigerator.”

“I’m the only one on the stage lip -synching the whole debate.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s a graduate of the DeVry Institute.”

“I’m the only one on the stage, Chuck, who has undergone nasal irrigation.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s playing a kazoo.”

“I’m the only one on the stage with a banana in my ear.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who is wearing a mustache made of yak hair.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s speaking in Klingon.”

“Socks keep falling down whenever you limbo? I’ve got a plan for that.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s a Siamese twin.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s having open heart surgery performed on me as we speak.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who can open a bottle of Perrier with my teeth.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who can beat Donald Trump at Chinese Checkers.”

“A little girl in the year 2050, donned her jet pack and flew to the moon. That little girl was me.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who is hopping on a pogo stick.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who’s done the hokey-pokey with Martin Luther King.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who sleeps in jammies with built-in feet.”

“I’m the only one on the stage who has Borscht dribbling down his chest.”

“Let me be perfectly clear: no one should have to choose between slaughtering a porcupine and caressing a weasel.”

The Power Of Satire

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Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

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Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about parody and satire. A poster on one of the magic boards I follow declared that he doesn’t like satire; and he mentioned that Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller magic fame also felt this way.  Penn wants a comedian to just “Come out and say it,” comparing Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal unfavorably to George Carlin’s comedy. Penn feels they make similar points but Carlin is more direct. Well, of course historically, unfortunately, people have paid a heavy price to just “Come out and say it” directly. Now, why Penn, a very intelligent man, would gloss over that point is interesting, but I don’t want to get into that in this essay (maybe I’ll expand on this in the comments area). Instead, I want to share some thoughts I’ve been kicking around concerning how parody and satire actually work.

Satire is often conflated with its humorous kin, parody, but I don’t consider them synonymous.  I’m not that interested in making a semantic argument, scolding for misuse—use the words as you wish—but I do want to distinguish between two distinct categories of comedy, no matter what one calls them. And so for convenience, I’ll refer to the two categories as parody and satire. Though they are both categories of humorous critique, there are some important differences.

Oddly, it might be easier to understand my definition of satire, if I first begin talking about parody. Both parody and satire embody a subject of humorous critique presented in a given form. In parody, however, the subject of the critique is the form itself.  Let me give a few examples here: Mel Brooks is well appreciated for film parodies such as Young Frankenstein. The pleasure we get from watching Young Frankenstein is in how Brooks takes the tropes of the classic horror movies of the 30s and pokes fun at them: there’s the hunchback, the inarticulate monster, the creepy castle, and so on, which all trigger memories of what we loved about those kinds of films. We laugh because these are familiar elements, but in addition, Brooks jokes with the form by unexpectedly breaking with its conventions: the inarticulate monster, out of genre, puts on a top hat and grabs a cane, performs a Broadway soft shoe dance, and so on. The subject, then, of Brooks’s horror movie is the form of horror movies. We see a similar dynamic occurring in other Mel Brooks movies, such as High Anxiety, Spaceballs, and Blazing Saddles. The subject of each of these movies is a critique of their particular forms—the thriller, the sci-fi movie, the western, respectively—the target being the absurd aspects of their forms.

One more parody example: the current wave of literature parodies which somehow manage to shoehorn zombies into them. So, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, for example, takes the form of a nineteenth-century Jane Austen novel of manners, but subverts the form by importing characters from a completely different kind of genre. The humor is in the discordant clash of forms. Again the subject of the parody in this case is of the form itself. It’s not “about” anything other than the comedies of manners and the tropes of zombie tales.

But satire works differently. While satire takes a form of an already recognized genre, its subject is not solely about the features of that form. The subject of satire is something apart from its form, but talks about the relationship of the subject to the form; and in the best satire, the form indicates how the subject uses elements of that form to gain, consolidate, or maintain power.

To clarify, let’s begin with Penn’s example, Jonathan Swift’s classic satire, A Modest Proposal. The writer proposes that the solution to starvation and poverty among the Irish poor is to let Irish parents sell their children to the rich as a source of food. Now the subject of the piece is clearly the exploitation of the poor by the rich; but the form of that satirical piece is the political statement of a rational man serving the people. Here Swift takes that form and shows how the form of rational political discourse is used to advance monstrous conclusions by proceeding from unjust premises. So the essay is not just a critique of the position of the Irish poor in Swift’s time, but it’s also an illustration of the forms of discourse that had helped to maintain such an unjust power relationship. In other words, in A Modest Proposal, Swift is in effect saying, “This is how rich people think and act. And these are the forms of twisted rationality they use to advance their cruel arguments to make them seem less self-serving.”

Or let’s take another, milder, satirical example, an excerpt from a recent article from the satirical online newspaper, The Onion:

2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk

SOUTH BEND, IN—Touting the benefits in tourism and business revenue that such a project had already brought to his hometown, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate and South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg announced Thursday a bold plan for a 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk. “At a time when Americans are more divided than ever, what this country needs is a riverwalk that will provide people from all strata of society with continuous strolling, dining, and festival opportunities,” said Buttigieg, gesturing to a watercolor architectural rendering of the Intercontinental Riverwalk that he described as his “core campaign plank,” which would revitalize the country’s heartlands by attracting sorely needed coffee shops, clothing boutiques, and artisanal cocktail bars in riverside locations stretching from coast to coast. […] At press time, the Indiana mayor went on to unveil diplomatic plans to broker a pact between Mexico, Canada, and the United States for a Transnational Farmer’s Market on Saturday afternoons.”

https://politics.theonion.com/2020-presidential-candidate-pete-buttigieg-announces-bo-1833302082

The Onion is not as sharp as it used to be, having to constantly churn out humor online, but this is a nice low-key satirical example. The subject of the satire is Pete Buttigieg’s presidential campaign bid. The form is the inbred local newspaper or Pennysaver giveaway press release article.  The piece is not just making fun of smalltown papers and Buttigieg’s campaign. What it also does is show how Buttigieg’s campaign (the subject of the critique) deliberately uses the tropes of the SmallTown America® press (the form) as branding to push its candidate forward. In an actual Buttigieg press conference or debate, South Bend, Indiana becomes the center of the civilized world; all knowledge, wisdom, and experience flows from there. Plain old front-porch common sense in partnership with local business leaders will solve all the world’s problems. The Onion piece catches the flavor of the campaign perfectly—by utilizing the form that it does.

Analyzing the differences between parody and satire in this way is useful in that it also allows us to see what factors might make for a stronger piece in both categories. Because in parody the object of humor is the form itself, the best parody tends to exaggerate features of the form, like a caricaturist might do with a person’s features in a cartoon.  But satire, on the other hand, works much better when the form is left alone; indeed when the form is a pitch-perfect imitation, but filled with the content of the subject of critique. That way, one can see how the subject uses the form to its own advantage.

So, while like Penn, I much admire the direct form of comedy as exemplified by George Carlin’s work, it’s important to understand that parody and satire allow for other kinds of humorous critique and observation to come into play. Parody and satire allow us not only to understand the subject of its critique, but also to understand the power that form, less visible and apparent,  holds over us as well.

 

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

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Photo by SplitShire on Pexels.com

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And here’s yet one more installment of the humorous news commentary that I wrote  a few times a week in 2014/15 for a local radio personality.  I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them, because remember:

Fame is fleeting, but Bad Jokes are on the Internet forever.

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Power-To-The-People Dept.:

A U.S. federal judge on Monday temporarily blocked President Barack Obama’s plan to protect millions of undocumented immigrants from deportation. Some 26 states, led by Texas, sued the administration to halt the programs, arguing that Obama’s orders violated constitutional limits on his powers.

Comment: Because the President only has the right to secretly bomb the crap out of foreigners, not to give them asylum.

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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept.:

Hoping to better understand the health effects of oil fracking, the state in 2013 ordered oil companies to test the chemical-laden waste water extracted from wells. Data culled from the first year of those tests found significant concentrations of the human carcinogen benzene, in some cases, levels of benzene thousands of times greater than state and federal agencies consider safe.

Comment: I’ll have my Vodka-benzene martini shaken, not stirred.

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I-Can’t-Remember-To-Forget-You Dept.:

Among the items discovered by Neil Armstrong’s widow, Carol, while cleaning out their suburban Cincinnati home was a bag containing long-lost Apollo 11 artifacts. Neil never told anyone on earth about the items and no one knew about the existence of the items during the 45 years since he returned from the Moon.

Comment: Armstrong’s widow declared, “Hey, that’s what happened to all my Helen Reddy, Strawberry Alarm Clock, and Peter Lemongello record LPs!”

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Five’ll -Get-You-Ten Dept.:

The national debate over so-called ‘education reform’ has come into sharp relief in Philadelphia, where a pro-charter organization has offered the cash-strapped city school district up to $35 million to enroll an additional 15,000 students in new charter schools; but the Philadelphia School District says it would cost as much as $500 million to enroll the new students in new charter schools—about 20 times more than the amount offered by the non-profit.

Comment: It’s the new math: we give you a few dollars with one hand, then take your shirt and pants with the other.

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Do-Not-Adjust-Your-TV-Screen Dept.:

Bacteria that haven’t evolved for more than 2 billion years have been discovered in the ocean floor sediments off Western Australia.

Comment: The bacteria were caught watching Milton Berle re-runs and explaining to their offspring that color TV has not yet been perfected.

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Don’t-Let-Science-Stop-You Dept.:

Pennsylvania groundhog ‘forecasts’ 6 more weeks of winter

The handlers of Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, said the furry rodent has forecast six more weeks of winter.

Americans Dismiss Climate Change And Reject Theory Of Evolution In New Survey

A new survey in the U.S. has revealed that huge numbers of Americans reject the theory of evolution and don’t believe that human activity is in any way responsible for climate change.

Comment: They do believe, however, that the weather can be predicted by a groundhog.

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Say-It-Ain’t-So-Ed Dept.:

Snowden files show that Canada’s electronic spy agency has been intercepting and analyzing data on up to 15 million file downloads daily as part of a global surveillance program.

Comment: In related news, thousands of Canadian intelligence agents reportedly quit, saying they couldn’t stand snooping on one more freakin’  phone conversation about hockey and Celine Dion.

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Seeds-Of-Faith Dept.:

Pope Francis will  push for climate change policies, in a year when global warming is shaping up to be a central issue both for the Vatican and Washington. He’ll  push United Nations leaders to  write an international agreement to reduce emissions and help poorer countries adapt.

Comment:  His Holiness will recommend green farming methods such as compost heaps and home-made fertilizers. However, he warned, Catholics may only use the fertilizers the three days a month when there is no danger of conception.

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A Modest Proposal

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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Jonathan Swift’s brilliant satirical proposal regarding the dual problems of poverty and famine still feels fresh and apropos. Here’s a version I performed and produced that was broadcast yesterday on the Arts Express radio program on WBAI 99.5 FM NYC.

Thanks to Mary Murphy for directing the piece.

Click on the grey triangle to listen.

Hugh Laurie Sings The Answer

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Mr. Laurie’s splendid Dylan-like folk singer imitation in which he tells us “All We Gotta Do Is.”  In such trying times as these, we can only be thankful for his clear vision.

Thanks to Youtuber thereallalablue

Dustin Hoffman’s Celebrity Blow-Up

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The folks at SCTV take celebrity blow-ups seriously–and literally. Martin Short with the best Dustin Hoffman imitation ever. Thanks to masercot for the suggestion.

More SCTV at SCTV

The Happy Wanderers

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I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone under 60, but I found this SCTV send-up of a small-town Lawrence Welk-type polka music television show hilariously true to form. John Candy and Eugene Levy lead the proceedings.

“There’s Rhythm in My Lederhosen.”

More at SCTV

The Amazing Kretin

 

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The gang at SCTV present the world’s greatest mentalist: The Amazing Kretin. Any resemblance to any other world’s greatest mentalist is an amazing coincidence–“Is that not wild?!”

SCTV-er Dave Thomas is doing the excellent Kreskin imitation.

Thanks to YouTuber vagabond

 

This Just In

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And yet another installment of satirical commentary vignettes I had written for a local radio personality back in 2014-15. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Some of the jokes are dated, but some unfortunately still make too much sense.

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What-Are-They-On-Crack? Dept:

The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has established a research and essay competition in honor of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah Bin Abdul-Aziz. Army General Martin E. Dempsey said the essay competition is a fitting tribute to the life and leadership of the Saudi Arabian monarch.

Comment: It’s the shared values: torture, the death penalty, elites beyond the rule of law, and the worship of oil.

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Faster-Than-A-Speeding-Bullet Dept.

Days After Government Approved Free Speech Rally, France Arrests 54 People for Offensive Speech

Comment: In related news, scientists have defined a new unit of time called “the hypoc-ri-second”: it is the amount of time elapsed before government officials make complete hypocritical asses of themselves. Scientists say it is the smallest unit of time known to humankind.

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Happy Hanukkah

At sundown Dec. 16 this year, Jews usher in the Festival of Lights.

Comment: Or as Jews call it, the holiday where you have to decide if eight days of small presents are as good as one day of big presents.

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Don’t-Worry-Be-Happy Dept:

Dr. Margaret Chan criticized drugs companies for turning their backs on markets that cannot pay for super-expensive drugs. She said a vaccine to protect millions from the Ebola virus does not exist, only because the disease previously only affected poor African nations.

Comment:  The drug companies responded that their previous actions had been misinterpreted, and that henceforth they looked forward to seeing many more epidemics in Africa.

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Great-Moments-In-Mathematics Dept::

According to  Senator wannabee Scott Brown, Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) has voted with Obama “over 100 percent of the time.”

Comment: We’ve checked the authenticity of this story and we are 500% sure it’s true

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Upset-Stomach Dept:

President Barack Obama met with over a dozen prominent columnists and magazine writers Wednesday afternoon before calling for an escalation of the war against ISIS that same night. The group included New York Times columnists David Brooks, Tom Friedman and Frank Bruni.

Comment: Never has such a powerhouse of idiots been seen in one room since the time Bill O’Reilly dined alone. 

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Reasonable-Conspiracy-Theories Dept:

Smooth jazz star Kenny G just paid a surprise visit to support Hong Kong’s pro-democracy protests.

Comment: Hong Kong Communist Party officials deny it was part of a plot to clear the area of protestors.

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That Was The Week That Was

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Last week, I posted some current events gags I had written for a local radio personality back in 2014-15. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Here are a few more of those from that time:

You- Always-Hurt-the-One-You-Love Dept.

One hundred years ago this week, on Sept.1, 1914, the last Passenger pigeon died in a Cincinnati zoo, ending the reign of a species that numbered in the billions until American settlers wiped the birds out.

Comment: And to think we didn’t even need smallpox blankets to do it! Progress!

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Which-Shell-is-the-Pea-Under? Dept:

In what observers are calling a classic example of “bait and switch,” after months of promising to take executive action on immigration reform this summer, President Barack Obama is now further delaying legislation until after midterm elections.

Comment: In other news, Obama revealed that the five-bedroom Park Avenue luxury apartment for $700 a month he had offered was no longer available, but there was still room in a trailer under the wino bridge for rent.

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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept.

General Mills Inc. has agreed to acquire Annie’s Inc., one of the largest producers of natural and organic branded food, in a deal worth $820 million.

Comment:  And in related news,  Annie’s Organic Green Kale Salad Dressing will be re-branded as Count Chocula’s Lucky Charm Bits Mayonnaise Syrup.

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Our-Modern-Day-Heroes Dept.

Ben Affleck is reportedly in negotiations to star in a new action thriller called The Accountant.

Comment: It’s Affleck’s first in a series of “ordinary people” thrillers including The Barista, The Gas Station Attendant, and The Guy Who Scrapes The Bubble Gum Off the Bottom of Third Graders’ School Desks.

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Comedy in the Age of Terrorism Dept.

A comedy club in Barcelona has introduced a computer fitted to the back of each seat, which reads audience members’ facial expressions. It runs up a tab of smirks, chuckles and belly laughs. Each laugh is charged at €0.30 per laugh.

Comment: Does that mean you can watch Bill Maher for free?

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Fit-For-A-King Dept.

DNA testing has raised questions about the nobility of some of the royal family. A spokesman said England’s current royal family should not be worried. “We are not in any way indicating that Her Majesty (Elizabeth II) shouldn’t be on the throne.” 

Comment: Yes, because symbolic rule by one family over millions of people should never be challenged. Think of all the PBS television series that would have to be cancelled.

Try the Veal, I’m Here All Week

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I had forgotten, but was recently reminded, that I had spent some of 2014 and 2015 writing little satirical one-liners  a few times a week for a local radio personality. I would scan the day’s newspapers and websites in the morning, pick out the most absurd articles, and then affix a humorous comment for broadcast in the afternoon. It was a lot of fun to do. Four years later, I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them.

Yes, it’s almost like comedy!

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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

“Oil giant Royal Dutch Shell indicated its continued desire to drill in the Arctic waters off the coast of Alaska by submitting new plans for exploratory operations to federal agencies. Despite previously failed attempts to perform such drilling the company appears committed to pushing forward.”

Comment: A spokesman  for Royal Dutch Shell assured protestors that he promised to put it only part of the way in. 

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If-it-ain’t-one-thing-it’s-another Dept:

“A nightmarish cannabilistic cricket from Asia is apparently invading homes throughout the Eastern United States. The greenhouse camel cricket, which is known for its voracious — and sometimes cannibalistic — appetite, has been in the US for decades; however, the insect was believed to be quite rare outside of commercial greenhouses. Until now, that is.”

Comment: But the worst thing about it is the constant buzz  of “Let your conscience be your guide.” (okay, obscure Jiminy Cricket reference, but I maintain there’s a joke in there somewhere, by God!)

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See,-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

Researchers from the University of New South Wales  in Sydney, Australia, estimate that there are at least five huge garbage patches polluting the world’s oceans, some as big as the state of Texas.”

Comment: On closer inspection, scientists have concluded that one of the garbage patches actually is Texas.

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Macho,-Macho,-Man Dept:

“Biden vows retribution against ISIS: ‘We will follow them to the Gates of Hell!’  Staking out a hard line against the vicious jihadist group ISIS, Vice President Biden vowed Wednesday that the U.S. “will follow them to the Gates of Hell!” “

Comment: A Biden spokesman clarified that in the event of a busy schedule, the Vice President would at least follow ISIS to that lousy Middle Eastern restaurant on Route 95.

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The Museum of Lame Excuses Dept.

“The city has dispensed a sweet settlement to three Brooklyn men who sued the NYPD after cops bizarrely mistook Jolly Rancher candies for crystal meth, the Daily News has learned. Despite the $33,000 settlement, the city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn’t be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy.”

Comment: And in other news, the NYPD is still determining whether a confiscated jump rope is really a 13-foot man-eating Zorch Snake from the Planet Aroos.

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What-Could-Possibly-Go-Wrong?  Dept.

“The police department for San Diego’s public schools recently revealed that they have acquired a large armored combat vehicle from the U.S. military which is designed to withstand blasts from improvised explosive devices and mines.”

Comment: Unnamed sources say a record amount of homework was turned in the next day.

 

Complicated, Deep, and Sentimental

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Taylor Swift…uh, Taylor Ferrera with a brilliant meta-song about writing the perfect teen tune.

Ever since I discovered her  wicked Walmart song on YouTube, I’ve been listening to everything I can find of the talented and satirical Ms. Ferrera.

More Taylor at TaylorFerrera

Bob and Ray Pull Out The Stops

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Bob and Ray were generally gentle in their humorous swipes at American culture and media, but probably never was their satire more cutting and Swiftian than in this routine, The Great Lakes Paperclip Company.

Thanks to YouTuber A Blast from the Past, and thanks to Marilyn Vogt-Downey for the suggestion.

Crying With Laughter: The Onion

onion

The satirical online and print periodical The Onion has been at it for over two decades now, and sometimes I take it for granted. But over those years, it has given me plenty of laughs with its pitch perfect satire that never breaks character. My wife recently emailed me a link to an Onion article that made me literally laugh out loud so many times during reading the piece, that I had to share it.

Here it is. If you’re a man and it doesn’t crack you up, you’re a better man than I am:

http://www.theonion.com/article/nations-single-men-announce-plan-to-change-bedshee-33656