That Was The Week That Was: 2/11/22

Back in the sunny days of 2014 and 2015, I was writing little satirical one-liners a few times a week for a local radio personality. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Well, the good folks at Shalblog® Industries (a division of Axolotls ‘R’ Us International) have given me encouragement to do the same here, on a weekly basis. So let’s see how long I can sustain this as a steady Friday feature. All news items are true (though not necessarily the comments…)


But-Not-a-Drop-to-Drink Dept.

Roughly one million people in Austin have had to boil their water Saturday after officials said “errors” at a treatment plant resulted in potentially unsafe water flowing into homes. Last February, in addition, the collapse of the state’s electricity grid resulted in power failures at Austin’s largest water treatment plant.

Comment: Unnamed officials assured the public that the mishaps were now all water under the bridge and that in the future, the city would be the recipient of a tidal wave of sewage treatment.


I’m-Looking-Through-You Dept

NSO Group, an Israeli surveillance firm, has faced widespread allegations that its hacking software Pegasus has been sold to and misused by authoritarian governments across the world. The company has insisted that it could not be used to track Israeli citizens.

Comment: A company spokesman elaborated, “We absolutely do not track Israeli citizens. We are sure of that. We know who Israeli citizens are and non-Israeli citizens are by the contents of their wallets and their phone conversations and Internet browser histories and credit card histories and our satellite imagery of their houses, and data extracted from their birth records, passports, immigration and emigration records; so rest assured, we have identified who not to track. We only track all the other poor fools.”


You’ve-Got-to-Carry-That-Weight Dept.

A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine on Feb. 7 finds that getting more sleep each night may help facilitate weight loss. An extra 1-2 hours of sleep may help you eat fewer calories.

Comment: The exact mechanism is unknown, but one doctor ventured, “We suspect it has something to do with not being able to stuff your face the longer you’re asleep. In fact, we find that our patients who are dead actually have managed to cease weight gain all together.”


What’s-In-A-Name Dept.

Queen Elizabeth has announced her royal successors: Prince Charles will take over as monarch (no surprises there) while Camilla Parker Bowles’s new title will become Queen Consort.

Comment: The soon-to-be Queen Consort, whose affair with Prince Charles was widely reported, previously had the official title at Buckingham Palace of Royal Skank.


Water-Under-the Bridge Dept.

Rotterdam has agreed to temporarily dismantle part of its historic Koningshaven Bridge so that Jeff Bezos’s 417 foot long, three-mast yacht can pass through the waterway sometime this summer, according to a spokeswoman for the city.

Comment: Bezos reportedly replied, “I figured it was an easy ask, since I’d already paid to dismantle democracy.”


That’s-A-Rap Dept.

In a record-breaking scheme, Heather Morgan, 31, was taken into custody for conspiracy to launder $3.6 billion of stolen Bitcoin. Morgan, in a bizarre 2019 music video rapped of her status as the “mother-fucking crocodile of Wall Street,” and explained she was “a badass CEO and female rapper.”

Comment: Proving you can take the criminal out of the street, but you can’t take the Wall Street out of the criminal.


All-In-Favor-Say-Eyes Dept

On his first day on the job, a bored security guard drew two pairs of eyes with a ballpoint pen onto artist Anna Leporskaya’s ‘Three Figures’ painting. The painting, which is insured for $1 million, ended up requiring $3,360 of restoration services.

Comment: The guard allegedly expressed sorrow for his actions. “If I had known that defacing a million dollar painting only required $3000 worth of restoration, I would have added mustaches and my ex-boss’s home phone number to the paintings as well.”


This-Land-Is-My-Land Dept.

NASA has raised concerns that Elon Musk’s plan to send another 30,000 Starlink satellites into orbit could lead to “substantial congestion,” increase the potential for collisions, and interfere with the agency’s activities.

Comment: Sources say Musk has plans to alleviate the congestion with a temporary force of retired elementary school crossing guards named Irma and Vera on alternate weekends.

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