That Was The Week That Was 2/18/22

And now another weekly round-up of news items that attracted my attention, along with my comments. All news items are guaranteed truly to be items reported this week from various online sources (though not the comments…)

Jurassic-Parking-Lot -Dept.

DINOSAURS survived a flu pandemic 150 million years ago, researchers have found. It would have spread rapidly among the beasts, leaving them coughing, sneezing and shivering, scientists believe, but it did not kill them off as they lasted for another 100 million years. No explanation was given for their survival.

Comment: Though the dinosaurs thus may have been walking around with a flu for 50 million years, some archeologists believe that scientists may have overlooked the nearby fossilized bottles of Nyquil and containers of Tropicana Orange Juice.


Into-The-Mouths-of-Babes Dept.

The Food and Drug Administration announced that a meeting to discuss vaccines for children under the age of 5 is now postponed. It’s been delayed as health officials say new data recently emerged on Pfizer’s Emergency Use Authorization request.

Comment: No word when Pfizer will start recommending vaccines for fetuses and sperm cells.


One-Plus-One-Equals-Three Dept

The accounting firm, Mazars USA, said in a letter that they have retracted their financial statements of Donald Trump, which are central to an investigation by the New York attorney general. In a statement, the accounting firm said that “under our standards of professional ethics, we cannot comment on any client services or relationships.”

Comment: Later, the president of Mazar’s reportedly declared that “under our standards of professional accounting ethics, I was double crossing the fingers on both of my hands when I signed the statements, so it doesn’t count.”


Snap-Crackle-Pop Dept.

A trial continues for a retired Tampa police captain who shot and killed a man in a Wesley Chapel movie theater eight years ago. The ex-cop had been arguing with the man over his use of a cellphone in the theater. After the man threw popcorn in his face, the ex-cop pulled out a handgun and opened fire, killing him. Defense attorneys claim their client felt threatened enough to fire in self-defense, citing the stand-your-ground law.

Comment: Some say the shooter’s lawyer also argued his client was on a low-salt diet, and inhaling the fumes from the movie house popcorn projectiles raised his blood pressure, exacerbating the threat.


Declension Intention Suspension Dept

A priest in Arizona resigned after he incorrectly performed baptisms for decades, using the words “We baptize you in the name of the father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit,” instead of the correct phrase “I baptize you in the name of the father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit.”  Shrugging off the invalid baptisms isn’t an option for many worshippers, because it affects sacred practices such as confirmation, communion and marriages, derailing the rites for thousands of people.

Comment: The priest allegedly confessed humbly that, “We will strive to do better.—Umm—er, that is–I mean–I will strive to do better.”


Bye-Bye-Blackbird Dept.

Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico and hitting the pavement. Some died on impact. The circumstances surrounding the event led some to question whether it was pollution or 5G on social media. Residents in the community saw hundreds of blackbirds dead on the streets and sidewalks and called police. 

Comment: There is no truth to the rumor that Tippi Hedren was seen with a rifle lurking behind trees.


Save-the-Date Dept.

Russia denied reports that it was planning to attack Ukraine imminently, telling the German Newspaper Die Welt,Wars in Europe rarely start on a Wednesday. There will be no escalation in the coming week either, or in the week after that, or in the coming month.”

Comment: Sources say when asked by a Biden administration undersecretary when would be a good time for you, the Russian pulled out his cellphone calendar and asked, “How about never? Is never good for you?” (hat tip to Robert Mankoff’s famous New Yorker cartoon)

That Was The Week That Was: 2/11/22

Back in the sunny days of 2014 and 2015, I was writing little satirical one-liners a few times a week for a local radio personality. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Well, the good folks at Shalblog® Industries (a division of Axolotls ‘R’ Us International) have given me encouragement to do the same here, on a weekly basis. So let’s see how long I can sustain this as a steady Friday feature. All news items are true (though not necessarily the comments…)


But-Not-a-Drop-to-Drink Dept.

Roughly one million people in Austin have had to boil their water Saturday after officials said “errors” at a treatment plant resulted in potentially unsafe water flowing into homes. Last February, in addition, the collapse of the state’s electricity grid resulted in power failures at Austin’s largest water treatment plant.

Comment: Unnamed officials assured the public that the mishaps were now all water under the bridge and that in the future, the city would be the recipient of a tidal wave of sewage treatment.


I’m-Looking-Through-You Dept

NSO Group, an Israeli surveillance firm, has faced widespread allegations that its hacking software Pegasus has been sold to and misused by authoritarian governments across the world. The company has insisted that it could not be used to track Israeli citizens.

Comment: A company spokesman elaborated, “We absolutely do not track Israeli citizens. We are sure of that. We know who Israeli citizens are and non-Israeli citizens are by the contents of their wallets and their phone conversations and Internet browser histories and credit card histories and our satellite imagery of their houses, and data extracted from their birth records, passports, immigration and emigration records; so rest assured, we have identified who not to track. We only track all the other poor fools.”


You’ve-Got-to-Carry-That-Weight Dept.

A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine on Feb. 7 finds that getting more sleep each night may help facilitate weight loss. An extra 1-2 hours of sleep may help you eat fewer calories.

Comment: The exact mechanism is unknown, but one doctor ventured, “We suspect it has something to do with not being able to stuff your face the longer you’re asleep. In fact, we find that our patients who are dead actually have managed to cease weight gain all together.”


What’s-In-A-Name Dept.

Queen Elizabeth has announced her royal successors: Prince Charles will take over as monarch (no surprises there) while Camilla Parker Bowles’s new title will become Queen Consort.

Comment: The soon-to-be Queen Consort, whose affair with Prince Charles was widely reported, previously had the official title at Buckingham Palace of Royal Skank.


Water-Under-the Bridge Dept.

Rotterdam has agreed to temporarily dismantle part of its historic Koningshaven Bridge so that Jeff Bezos’s 417 foot long, three-mast yacht can pass through the waterway sometime this summer, according to a spokeswoman for the city.

Comment: Bezos reportedly replied, “I figured it was an easy ask, since I’d already paid to dismantle democracy.”


That’s-A-Rap Dept.

In a record-breaking scheme, Heather Morgan, 31, was taken into custody for conspiracy to launder $3.6 billion of stolen Bitcoin. Morgan, in a bizarre 2019 music video rapped of her status as the “mother-fucking crocodile of Wall Street,” and explained she was “a badass CEO and female rapper.”

Comment: Proving you can take the criminal out of the street, but you can’t take the Wall Street out of the criminal.


All-In-Favor-Say-Eyes Dept

On his first day on the job, a bored security guard drew two pairs of eyes with a ballpoint pen onto artist Anna Leporskaya’s ‘Three Figures’ painting. The painting, which is insured for $1 million, ended up requiring $3,360 of restoration services.

Comment: The guard allegedly expressed sorrow for his actions. “If I had known that defacing a million dollar painting only required $3000 worth of restoration, I would have added mustaches and my ex-boss’s home phone number to the paintings as well.”


This-Land-Is-My-Land Dept.

NASA has raised concerns that Elon Musk’s plan to send another 30,000 Starlink satellites into orbit could lead to “substantial congestion,” increase the potential for collisions, and interfere with the agency’s activities.

Comment: Sources say Musk has plans to alleviate the congestion with a temporary force of retired elementary school crossing guards named Irma and Vera on alternate weekends.

Try the Veal, I’m Here All Week



I had forgotten, but was recently reminded, that I had spent some of 2014 and 2015 writing little satirical one-liners  a few times a week for a local radio personality. I would scan the day’s newspapers and websites in the morning, pick out the most absurd articles, and then affix a humorous comment for broadcast in the afternoon. It was a lot of fun to do. Four years later, I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them.

Yes, it’s almost like comedy!


See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

“Oil giant Royal Dutch Shell indicated its continued desire to drill in the Arctic waters off the coast of Alaska by submitting new plans for exploratory operations to federal agencies. Despite previously failed attempts to perform such drilling the company appears committed to pushing forward.”

Comment: A spokesman  for Royal Dutch Shell assured protestors that he promised to put it only part of the way in. 


If-it-ain’t-one-thing-it’s-another Dept:

“A nightmarish cannabilistic cricket from Asia is apparently invading homes throughout the Eastern United States. The greenhouse camel cricket, which is known for its voracious — and sometimes cannibalistic — appetite, has been in the US for decades; however, the insect was believed to be quite rare outside of commercial greenhouses. Until now, that is.”

Comment: But the worst thing about it is the constant buzz  of “Let your conscience be your guide.” (okay, obscure Jiminy Cricket reference, but I maintain there’s a joke in there somewhere, by God!)


See,-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept

Researchers from the University of New South Wales  in Sydney, Australia, estimate that there are at least five huge garbage patches polluting the world’s oceans, some as big as the state of Texas.”

Comment: On closer inspection, scientists have concluded that one of the garbage patches actually is Texas.


Macho,-Macho,-Man Dept:

“Biden vows retribution against ISIS: ‘We will follow them to the Gates of Hell!’  Staking out a hard line against the vicious jihadist group ISIS, Vice President Biden vowed Wednesday that the U.S. “will follow them to the Gates of Hell!” “

Comment: A Biden spokesman clarified that in the event of a busy schedule, the Vice President would at least follow ISIS to that lousy Middle Eastern restaurant on Route 95.


The Museum of Lame Excuses Dept.

“The city has dispensed a sweet settlement to three Brooklyn men who sued the NYPD after cops bizarrely mistook Jolly Rancher candies for crystal meth, the Daily News has learned. Despite the $33,000 settlement, the city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn’t be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy.”

Comment: And in other news, the NYPD is still determining whether a confiscated jump rope is really a 13-foot man-eating Zorch Snake from the Planet Aroos.


What-Could-Possibly-Go-Wrong?  Dept.

“The police department for San Diego’s public schools recently revealed that they have acquired a large armored combat vehicle from the U.S. military which is designed to withstand blasts from improvised explosive devices and mines.”

Comment: Unnamed sources say a record amount of homework was turned in the next day.