And now another weekly round-up of news items that attracted my attention, along with my comments. All news items are guaranteed truly to be items reported this week from various online sources (though not the comments…)
Jurassic-Parking-Lot -Dept.
DINOSAURS survived a flu pandemic 150 million years ago, researchers have found. It would have spread rapidly among the beasts, leaving them coughing, sneezing and shivering, scientists believe, but it did not kill them off as they lasted for another 100 million years. No explanation was given for their survival.
Comment: Though the dinosaurs thus may have been walking around with a flu for 50 million years, some archeologists believe that scientists may have overlooked the nearby fossilized bottles of Nyquil and containers of Tropicana Orange Juice.
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Into-The-Mouths-of-Babes Dept.
The Food and Drug Administration announced that a meeting to discuss vaccines for children under the age of 5 is now postponed. It’s been delayed as health officials say new data recently emerged on Pfizer’s Emergency Use Authorization request.
Comment: No word when Pfizer will start recommending vaccines for fetuses and sperm cells.
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One-Plus-One-Equals-Three Dept
The accounting firm, Mazars USA, said in a letter that they have retracted their financial statements of Donald Trump, which are central to an investigation by the New York attorney general. In a statement, the accounting firm said that “under our standards of professional ethics, we cannot comment on any client services or relationships.”
Comment: Later, the president of Mazar’s reportedly declared that “under our standards of professional accounting ethics, I was double crossing the fingers on both of my hands when I signed the statements, so it doesn’t count.”
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Snap-Crackle-Pop Dept.
A trial continues for a retired Tampa police captain who shot and killed a man in a Wesley Chapel movie theater eight years ago. The ex-cop had been arguing with the man over his use of a cellphone in the theater. After the man threw popcorn in his face, the ex-cop pulled out a handgun and opened fire, killing him. Defense attorneys claim their client felt threatened enough to fire in self-defense, citing the stand-your-ground law.
Comment: Some say the shooter’s lawyer also argued his client was on a low-salt diet, and inhaling the fumes from the movie house popcorn projectiles raised his blood pressure, exacerbating the threat.
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Declension Intention Suspension Dept
A priest in Arizona resigned after he incorrectly performed baptisms for decades, using the words “We baptize you in the name of the father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit,” instead of the correct phrase “I baptize you in the name of the father and of the son and of the Holy Spirit.” Shrugging off the invalid baptisms isn’t an option for many worshippers, because it affects sacred practices such as confirmation, communion and marriages, derailing the rites for thousands of people.
Comment: The priest allegedly confessed humbly that, “We will strive to do better.—Umm—er, that is–I mean–I will strive to do better.”
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Bye-Bye-Blackbird Dept.
Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico and hitting the pavement. Some died on impact. The circumstances surrounding the event led some to question whether it was pollution or 5G on social media. Residents in the community saw hundreds of blackbirds dead on the streets and sidewalks and called police.
Comment: There is no truth to the rumor that Tippi Hedren was seen with a rifle lurking behind trees.
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Save-the-Date Dept.
Russia denied reports that it was planning to attack Ukraine imminently, telling the German Newspaper Die Welt, “Wars in Europe rarely start on a Wednesday. There will be no escalation in the coming week either, or in the week after that, or in the coming month.”
Comment: Sources say when asked by a Biden administration undersecretary when would be a good time for you, the Russian pulled out his cellphone calendar and asked, “How about never? Is never good for you?” (hat tip to Robert Mankoff’s famous New Yorker cartoon)
