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[Telephone rings five times]

Hello. Welcome to Freedom and Democracy, Incorporated. All of our representatives are busy at the present time. Please hold on while we downsize our workforce further.

Your estimated wait time is centuries of struggle.

Your call is important to us. Please hold on while we systematically violate your rights.

Please note, this call and your household may be monitored for quality assurance.

If you make more than $1,000,000, at the sound of the tone, please press 1.

If you are a straight white man, at the sound of the tone, please press 2.

If you are none of these, please hang up.

If you wish to continue in English, at the sound of the tone, please press 1; If you wish to continue in Spanish, please hang up.

At the sound of the tone, please state your political affiliation. If you are a Republican press 1; if you are a Democrat press 2; if none of the above, please hang up.

At the sound of the tone, please state the four digit pin number of your savings account, or you may use the keypad to enter it, followed by the pound sign.

So that we may serve you better, at the sound of the tone, please offer up your first born. You may use the keypad to consent by typing Yes, followed by the pound sign.

In order to process your order more efficiently, please remain on the line while a representative is sent to your home to assault you.

Thank you for calling. Have a blessed day.