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Roy Zimmerman accuses his audience of all kinds of nasty things…every last one of you!
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Tag Archives: satire
That Was The Week That Was
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Last week, I posted some current events gags I had written for a local radio personality back in 2014-15. I’d set up the premise with a true news story from the day, and then add a comment punchline. Here are a few more of those from that time:
You- Always-Hurt-the-One-You-Love Dept.
One hundred years ago this week, on Sept.1, 1914, the last Passenger pigeon died in a Cincinnati zoo, ending the reign of a species that numbered in the billions until American settlers wiped the birds out.
Comment: And to think we didn’t even need smallpox blankets to do it! Progress!
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Which-Shell-is-the-Pea-Under? Dept:
In what observers are calling a classic example of “bait and switch,” after months of promising to take executive action on immigration reform this summer, President Barack Obama is now further delaying legislation until after midterm elections.
Comment: In other news, Obama revealed that the five-bedroom Park Avenue luxury apartment for $700 a month he had offered was no longer available, but there was still room in a trailer under the wino bridge for rent.
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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept.
General Mills Inc. has agreed to acquire Annie’s Inc., one of the largest producers of natural and organic branded food, in a deal worth $820 million.
Comment: And in related news, Annie’s Organic Green Kale Salad Dressing will be re-branded as Count Chocula’s Lucky Charm Bits Mayonnaise Syrup.
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Our-Modern-Day-Heroes Dept.
Ben Affleck is reportedly in negotiations to star in a new action thriller called The Accountant.
Comment: It’s Affleck’s first in a series of “ordinary people” thrillers including The Barista, The Gas Station Attendant, and The Guy Who Scrapes The Bubble Gum Off the Bottom of Third Graders’ School Desks.
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Comedy in the Age of Terrorism Dept.
A comedy club in Barcelona has introduced a computer fitted to the back of each seat, which reads audience members’ facial expressions. It runs up a tab of smirks, chuckles and belly laughs. Each laugh is charged at €0.30 per laugh.
Comment: Does that mean you can watch Bill Maher for free?
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Fit-For-A-King Dept.
DNA testing has raised questions about the nobility of some of the royal family. A spokesman said England’s current royal family should not be worried. “We are not in any way indicating that Her Majesty (Elizabeth II) shouldn’t be on the throne.”
Comment: Yes, because symbolic rule by one family over millions of people should never be challenged. Think of all the PBS television series that would have to be cancelled.
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Try the Veal, I’m Here All Week
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I had forgotten, but was recently reminded, that I had spent some of 2014 and 2015 writing little satirical one-liners a few times a week for a local radio personality. I would scan the day’s newspapers and websites in the morning, pick out the most absurd articles, and then affix a humorous comment for broadcast in the afternoon. It was a lot of fun to do. Four years later, I don’t know that the references (or humor) hold up anymore, but I thought you might enjoy reading some of them.
Yes, it’s almost like comedy!
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See-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept
“Oil giant Royal Dutch Shell indicated its continued desire to drill in the Arctic waters off the coast of Alaska by submitting new plans for exploratory operations to federal agencies. Despite previously failed attempts to perform such drilling the company appears committed to pushing forward.”
Comment: A spokesman for Royal Dutch Shell assured protestors that he promised to put it only part of the way in.
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If-it-ain’t-one-thing-it’s-another Dept:
“A nightmarish cannabilistic cricket from Asia is apparently invading homes throughout the Eastern United States. The greenhouse camel cricket, which is known for its voracious — and sometimes cannibalistic — appetite, has been in the US for decades; however, the insect was believed to be quite rare outside of commercial greenhouses. Until now, that is.”
Comment: But the worst thing about it is the constant buzz of “Let your conscience be your guide.” (okay, obscure Jiminy Cricket reference, but I maintain there’s a joke in there somewhere, by God!)
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See,-This-Is-Why-We-Can’t-Have-Nice-Things Dept
“Researchers from the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, estimate that there are at least five huge garbage patches polluting the world’s oceans, some as big as the state of Texas.”
Comment: On closer inspection, scientists have concluded that one of the garbage patches actually is Texas.
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Macho,-Macho,-Man Dept:
“Biden vows retribution against ISIS: ‘We will follow them to the Gates of Hell!’ Staking out a hard line against the vicious jihadist group ISIS, Vice President Biden vowed Wednesday that the U.S. “will follow them to the Gates of Hell!” “
Comment: A Biden spokesman clarified that in the event of a busy schedule, the Vice President would at least follow ISIS to that lousy Middle Eastern restaurant on Route 95.
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The Museum of Lame Excuses Dept.
“The city has dispensed a sweet settlement to three Brooklyn men who sued the NYPD after cops bizarrely mistook Jolly Rancher candies for crystal meth, the Daily News has learned. Despite the $33,000 settlement, the city admitted no wrongdoing on the part of the cops, arguing they couldn’t be sure whether the red and blue rocks were illicit drugs or candy.”
Comment: And in other news, the NYPD is still determining whether a confiscated jump rope is really a 13-foot man-eating Zorch Snake from the Planet Aroos.
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What-Could-Possibly-Go-Wrong? Dept.
“The police department for San Diego’s public schools recently revealed that they have acquired a large armored combat vehicle from the U.S. military which is designed to withstand blasts from improvised explosive devices and mines.”
Comment: Unnamed sources say a record amount of homework was turned in the next day.
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Complicated, Deep, and Sentimental
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Taylor Swift…uh, Taylor Ferrera with a brilliant meta-song about writing the perfect teen tune.
Ever since I discovered her wicked Walmart song on YouTube, I’ve been listening to everything I can find of the talented and satirical Ms. Ferrera.
More Taylor at TaylorFerrera
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“Businesses Are People Too”
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In this holiday season, singer-songwriter Taylor Ferrera’s rollicking ditty reminds us of a much overlooked oppressed minority group.
More Taylor at TaylorFerrera
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Bob and Ray Pull Out The Stops
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Bob and Ray were generally gentle in their humorous swipes at American culture and media, but probably never was their satire more cutting and Swiftian than in this routine, The Great Lakes Paperclip Company.
Thanks to YouTuber A Blast from the Past, and thanks to Marilyn Vogt-Downey for the suggestion.
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Crying With Laughter: The Onion
The satirical online and print periodical The Onion has been at it for over two decades now, and sometimes I take it for granted. But over those years, it has given me plenty of laughs with its pitch perfect satire that never breaks character. My wife recently emailed me a link to an Onion article that made me literally laugh out loud so many times during reading the piece, that I had to share it.
Here it is. If you’re a man and it doesn’t crack you up, you’re a better man than I am:
http://www.theonion.com/article/nations-single-men-announce-plan-to-change-bedshee-33656
